


Steps Forward

by kitkatt0430



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Barry comes out to Caitlin, Barry explored their gender some in collage, Barry uses he/him they/them and she/her pronouns, Coming Out, F/M, Genderqueer Character, Other, Post season 2 no flashpoint, after everything that happened with Zoom Barry wants out of the closet, but went back in the closet not wanting to risk their career, genderqueer barry allen, or the possibility of proving his dad's innocence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:48:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23418493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitkatt0430/pseuds/kitkatt0430
Summary: In college, Barry started experimenting with their gender and pronouns.  But fears about acceptance and their career path shoved Barry right back in the closet, where he's stayed for the last several years.  But after everything that happened with Zoom, Barry needs to stop hiding this part of themself and so... they start with Caitlin, whose home has become Barry's safe haven.
Relationships: Barry Allen/Caitlin Snow
Comments: 7
Kudos: 56





	Steps Forward

**Author's Note:**

> Started this for the Snowbarry Feb 14th event and it's... uh... a little late. It's for the prompt "My clothes look better on you than they do me" which gave me genderfluid/genderqueer Barry feels.

Barry hadn't worn women's clothing since college.

Away from Central City and in the privacy of the apartment he'd eventually rented after a mandatory year in the dorms, Barry had worn long skirts and blouses and a touch of makeup and experimented with different names and pronouns. Though they always came back to Barry (which worked as both a nickname for Bartholomew and on its own as an Anglicized version of the Irish name Bairre).

But then graduation day came and Barry went back home to Central City, and promptly freaked out at the idea of actually telling anyone that he was genderqueer. Sometimes a guy, sometimes a girl, sometimes there were no words to express their gender. They just were.

She couldn't imagine how people would react at the CCPD and she desperately wanted that job. But she knew that the responses to her shifting gender probably wouldn't be anything good. And Joe... Barry still vividly remembered all the times Joe had invalidated a trans person's identity, for all that he claimed to support trans people. Iris would support her, but... Iris would encourage Barry to come out, to live as her true self.

Barry couldn't risk that their true self would ruin their quest to exonerate Henry Allen.

So he donated all but his absolute favorite skirt, blouse, dress, and a nice pair of black flats. Told himself that if he thought of himself only as a guy from here on out, he could power through. However long it took. His dad's freedom was worth the discomfort of being misgendered.

But if every so often, in the privacy of their apartment, Barry wasn't a he... well... no one had to know.

* * *

Barry likes Caitlin's clothing style. Flattering yet professional. Not the sort of clothing Barry liked for herself when she's feeling more feminine, as Caitlin's style is too pastel for Barry's taste and too... form fitting. Not that she's let herself be feminine in a long while. (And certainly form fitting looks good on Caitlin.)

There's this black skirt, though, in the back of Caitlin's closet when Barry hangs up her dress after the drunken karaoke debacle. Barry hasn't seen Caitlin wear it before and she reaches out to touch it before she can think better of the impulse. It's silky to the touch and has an elastic waistband and it... it kind of calls to her. It's not Caitlin's usual style, but it's all Barry's style. The sort of skirt that flows easily and is relaxed enough to work as part of any number of outfits.

Barry plucks the hanger off the closet rod and glances back at Caitlin, who is passed out under her covers and most certainly not going to notice if... if Barry were to try on her skirt.

She shouldn't. She goes to Caitlin's bathroom and tries on the skirt anyway. And then sits down on the closed toilet in a comfy, flowy skirt that end just above her knees and feels so much nicer than the slightly scratchy pants she'd been wearing all day. She looks at the contact information Linda added to her phone and wonders if Linda would've been as eager to get Barry's number if she'd been dressed like this at the bar. A mish-mash of masculine and feminine that made Barry feel at once more comfortable in her skin yet intensely uncomfortable - scared - of being seen like this.

Barry starts to realize that there are tears running down her face and she reluctantly stands back up, twirling around one last time before putting the skirt back on the hanger.

Once back in his own pants and his shoes back on, Barry leaves Caitlin's bathroom. He puts the skirt back where he found it.

And then he quietly lets himself out of the apartment.

Barry resolves to forget about the pretty skirt. But in the morning as he's getting ready for work, Barry wishes he could wear it again.

* * *

Barry does, actually, forget about the skirt. Caitlin never wears it and it sort of fades from memory.

Until, after Zoom is defeated and Barry can't bear to go home. He wants his parents to have lived so badly and being around Joe, whom he loves like a second father, just makes him feel guilty and reckless.

Somehow, Caitlin sees that. Or maybe she just recognizes that they both need help not to stew in their recent traumas and is reaching out to see if they can be that kind of support for each other. Either way, Barry winds up on Caitlin's couch pretty much every night for a week.

Barry had a lot of plans that went nowhere for the last year.

Moving in with his dad, getting to really know Henry Allen as a person, as his dad... Barry was never getting that chance now. Making his dad the first person he came out to as genderqueer... that fell to the wayside when Henry had left town and then with Zoom showing up, Barry hadn't wanted...

He hadn't wanted to hand Zoom more ammunition against him. There was no telling what Hunter would have done with the information, but the man would have found a way to use Barry's gender to his detriment.

But Barry's itching to do something with his life. Something to move forward and push through this miasma of grief that's fallen over him. And it comes to a head that weekend, as Caitlin decides to purge her closet of clothes she that either no longer fit her or she just doesn't wear anymore.

Barry's happy to be the audience for Caitlin's one-woman fashion show and she gets into a giggly mood as Barry jokingly starts acting as emcee for the 'show'. "And now we have the lovely model Caitlin Snow showing off a very lovely red dress, cut just above the knee with a very tasteful neckline and a daring drop in the back..."

It's fun and silly and Caitlin's rather breathtakingly beautiful in pretty much everything she wears. It's the first time Barry's really let themself take notice of that. But she really is gorgeous.

When they first met, Caitlin was grieving. Then Ronnie was back only for Caitlin to wind up grieving all over again. And before Barry really had a chance, there was whatever might've been between her and Jay, before they all knew Jay wasn't real. So Barry'd buried the burgeoning feelings they had for Caitlin time and again.

And maybe it was still a bad time to be noticing her like this, but Barry can't help themself. Caitlin is so lighthearted and carefree in this moment that Barry longs to ask her to dance, to twirl around her apartment and laugh together over everything and nothing at all.

They want to tell her they're genderqueer and see if she could be okay with that part of them. The part of Barry they're terrified of being rejected for, and Barry wants to trust Caitlin with it.

And then Caitlin walks out in a pale pink button down shirt tucked into a flowing black skirt and bare feet, having already gone through her shoes at that point. Barry can't help but remember how nice the skirt had felt to wear, the memory rushing back to them vividly of the silky material brushing against their knees.

"I... I don't think I've seen you wear that one before," Barry said. "The skirt, I mean. The shirt's familiar." She'd usually wear it with a gray pencil skirt, though she'd already modeled that skirt with one of her purple blouses.

"It's... Ronnie got it for me. I'd change into it after work when we'd... go dancing. Ballroom dancing, I mean. There was a class we were taking... preparing for the wedding." She smoothed her hands down the silky fabric. It ended just below her knees. "It's not exactly my style, though. It goes with a lot of my shirts, but I just... never wear it anymore."

"It looks really nice on you," Barry told her, sincerely.

"Thank you. But I think it's going to go in the giveaway pile."

"Can I..." The words slip out of Barry's mouth before they can think better of it. Their mouth clicks shut. "Sorry. Never mind." They grip the edge of the couch, suddenly anxious.

"Barry... what's wrong?" Caitlin walks over to sit beside them on the couch. Taking their hand in hers, she gently rubs their knuckles with her thumb.

"In college," they finally said, "I... I started sort of... experimenting... with gender identities and pronouns and clothing."

Caitlin's hand on their's tightened and they hoped that was a good sign.

"I, um... I started identifying as genderqueer. Genderfluid is another good word for it." Barry tapped their free hand anxiously on their thigh. "I wanted to tell Joe, but he says things sometimes that... I wasn't... I wasn't sure he'd take it well. And I didn't want to put Iris in the position of hiding something like that from Joe for me so I just didn't... I didn't tell anyone. And then I was worried about the affect it would have on my job when I left college and I got the position of assistant CSI. So I... I got rid of nearly all the clothes that weren't... I tried to pretend I was something I wasn't so I'd fit in better. I thought I'd come out once dad was free... which kind of meant I was expecting to never come out, except he did get set free. And he left before I could really figure out what to say about any of this. I guess it was sort of practice for hiding being the Flash. But it's easier to hide something about myself when I'm the only person who knows.

"But after everything that's happened this last year... I don't know if I can keep hiding this anymore."

"Am I the first person you've told about being genderqueer?" Caitlin asked, voice gentle.

Barry nodded. Their eyes stung and, oh... Barry sniffled and wiped at her face. "Are you... um... okay with this?"

"Yes, Barry, I am. I am very okay with this," Caitlin patted Barry's knee with her free hand. "I'm just sorry you felt like you had to hide this for so long. But I'm..." she smiled warmly as Barry finally looked back at her. "I'm really glad I'm the first person you decided to tell. It really means a lot to me." She paused a beat. "I bet this skirt would fit you. Would you like to have it?"

"I have another confession to make," Barry told Caitlin, a smile starting to pull at her own mouth at the sight of such a lovely smile on Caitlin's face. "After the drunken karaoke debacle, when I put your dress away... I saw this skirt hanging up and I, um... I couldn't resist trying it on. It does fit."

Caitlin's eyebrows went up. "Okay, so now I think it's time for a second model to join this fashion show, because I want to see for myself. I'm going to go change and then it's your turn to show off this skirt."

"Really?" Barry paused a beat. "You're not upset?"

Caitlin shook her head. "No, Barry. You deserve to get to wear clothes you feel comfortable in. That make you feel pretty when you want to look feminine." She looked like she wanted to say something else, but got up instead and headed back into her bedroom to change. Caitlin came back out in pajamas. "So, what pronouns do you prefer?" she asked, sitting back down. "You said genderfluid, so do your pronouns change sometimes or...?"

"I, um, I use he/him, they/them, and she/her," Barry replied. "And, yeah, they change a lot. I mean... just the course of this evening's fashion show I've kind of gone through all three gender feelings. I... um. Well I was just kind of feeling more like a woman but now I'm back in the sort of nebulous not one, not the other, agender feels. And I was starting to test out neo pronouns before I... I decided to shove my gender identity back into the closet."

"May I hug you?" Caitlin asked. When Barry nodded, they almost instantly found themself being hugged by Caitlin. Which was very, very nice. Caitlin, it seemed, gave only the very best hugs.

"Do you want to try on the skirt tonight?" Caitlin asked when she pulled away. "You don't have to, if you don't want to. But I'd very much like to see you wearing it."

"I... I'd like to," Barry decided.

"I left it out on the bed. If there's anything else you'd like to try, feel free, okay?"

Barry nodded and got up, letting themself into Caitlin's bedroom and shutting the door behind them. They quickly changed out of their pants and into the skirt. The waistband was a good fit, if a bit snug. The fabric was as soft and silky as Barry remembered.

They had to sit down and take slow deep breaths. Because it was almost overwhelming how good it felt to wear the skirt. Comfortable clothing Barry loved to wear and had denied themself out of... out fear.

"I don't have to be afraid around Caitlin," Barry murmured softly and then looked into the mirror. The shirt they were wearing looked wrong with the skirt. So they looked through Caitlin's giveaway pile.

There was a stretched out purple camisole that caught Barry's eye that Caitlin wouldn't care if it got a little more stretched out; she was going to donate it anyway. And a white shirt she'd gotten the wrong size in and hadn't noticed until it was too late to return. It was the same style as the pink button down she'd worn with the skirt they were now wearing, so presumably Caitlin had tried on the pink shirt and liked it well enough to grab the white shirt too.

While Barry wasn't sure they could button the shirt, it looked like the sleeves might fit. Impulsively, Barry pulled off the rest of his clothes and put on the purple cami and the white shirt - which was a tight fit across the back, but the sleeves did fit after all.

They looked in the mirror and, for the first time in years, Barry was dressed in something other than men's clothing. They'd reluctantly refrained from replacing the skirt and dress they'd kept from college when those stopped fitting and there'd been awful days where Barry couldn't look at themself in the mirror because the person looking back didn't look right. But when Barry looked in Caitlin's mirror, they saw that the cami rode up on their abs and the shirt over it looked clearly small on them but... they smiled anyway.

They looked nice. Pretty even. Barry had missed getting to feel pretty. They liked being handsome, but pretty was such a different feeling altogether. After so long... it was such a rush.

Riding the wave of those feelings, Barry walked out into Caitlin's living room and gave a little twirl.

Caitlin applauded. "You know," she mused, "I think my clothes look better on you than they do on me."

Barry blushed with pleasure.

* * *

"Can I take you shopping?" Caitlin asked the next morning. "You don't have to get anything if you don't want to. Don't even have to try anything on if you're not ready to, but... I'd like to help you rediscover what kind of clothes you like outside of the men's department. If that's okay?"

Nervously, Barry plucked at his shirt. "Honestly, when I'm feeling more feminine, I like to were brightly colored blouses and softer fabrics. I liked mixing and matching clothing. Maybe a black skirt and a red plaid shirt when I was feeling more masculine and a light gray blouse on blue jeans when I was feeling more..." he trailed off. Explaining what it felt like to not feel gendered was so... there weren't words, or at least he didn't know the words. "Anyway. I didn't go outside my apartment unless my clothing let me still pass as cis. So the skirts were for after work and classes were done for the day and all my errands were over on the weekend. I had a couple of dresses, too. Second hand, so they weren't the best fit. I had to sort of... guess my size. Because I couldn't just try them on at the store. Someone might've..." Barry couldn't finish.

"You weren't ready for anyone to see," Caitlin filled in.

"Yeah." Barry hesitated for a moment, then told her. "I'd like to go shopping with you. Well, not shopping. Not yet. Browsing. I'd like to go browsing with you."

And so that's what they do after breakfast. Barry dresses up in skinny jeans and a red button down layered over a navy shirt and Caitlin puts on a pair of faded blue jeans and a lilac blouse. And then they mall wander, which Barry hasn't really done since... dating in high school, actually. In college he was in and out of thrift stores for clothes, trying to save money for pricey school books and groceries and rent.

But with Caitlin, Barry wanders through Sears and Dillards and outlets like New York and Co or Charlette Rousse. It's at Dressbarn that Barry finds a particularly pretty shirt, in red of course, that he just absolutely wants to have. It's gorgeous and definitely his color and the idea of trying it on himself is paralyzing. Caitlin tries it on for him and then guesses from there what Barry's size actually is. Barry's pretty sure that the lady who checks them out assumes Barry's buying the shirt for Caitlin... and that they're dating.

Which... Barry wouldn't mind if that last assumption were true.

When they go back to Caitlin's apartment, Barry tries on the shirt - which does fit quite nicely after all. Not with the skirt, though Barry figure's they'll try that eventually. But the shirt looks nice with their jeans and they end up wearing it the rest of the day in the comfort of... what has begun to feel very much like home.

* * *

A few days later Barry's wearing his new blouse and a pair of jeans again, bouncing around Caitlin's kitchen making dinner, when he notices this odd look on her face. Not bad odd. But an unusual expression for Caitlin, sort of somewhere between amused and contemplative.

"Something up?" Barry asked, setting the timer on the stove and settling beside Caitlin at the breakfast bar.

"Do you want to go on a date?" Caitlin asked.

"I... yes? You want to go on a date with me?" Barry felt astounded. He'd hoped she felt like he did, but hadn't been quite ready to ask yet.

"Yeah. I've had a crush on you for a while, Barry. And all the time we've been spending together lately... maybe we're doing this backwards, with you practically moving in with me before we even start dating, but I... you were willing to trust me. To take a risk in sharing a part of yourself you've always felt the need to hide and... I want to take risks with you too." Caitlin blushed, ducking her head a moment, before adding. "I trust you with my heart."

"That," Barry tells her, "is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me." He linked their hands together loosely. "May I kiss you?"

Caitlin beamed. "You may," she agreed, leaning in.

(It was a really nice kiss. Only thing that would have made it better is if Barry hadn't needed to rush off to stop the chicken from burning when it ended.)


End file.
